As I talk to more and more people I get the feeling that I’m not even near what I want to believe I am doing. I keep saying to myself that I’m doing my best in my studies, but I’m just a slacking bastard. Of course, I have to take into account that almost everyone here are either accomplished professionals or very advanced students. But, then again, I feel a tendency to depreciate my own work, not because of a question of merit, but because I have this annoying sensation that I’m not dedicating myself to this work as much as I should, and this worries me. A lot.
It worries me because in the last few years I’ve been nothing more than an average student. I’m not comparing myself to others, but rather to what I wanted for myself when I was in first year.
In the end, I’m not that sure anymore about my own dedication to my work. I mean, it’s my work, dammit! I should care more about it!
Back when I was an undergrad student doing my scientific initiation work, I used to have this wonderful enthusiasm about what I was doing. Nowadays I miss that sometimes. I still feel motivated, but it is a different kind of motivation: what I’m going to do next. And I feel awkward about it, because I see other people here at the Workshop who seem to love their work in a way I wish I did, too. They always feel eager to share what they know and to find new things. And I envy that enthusiasm very much.
I think that now I can have some idea about how Einstein felt when he finished ETH and spent a year after that avoiding anything related to Physics.
I just hope that this workshop has the sort of effect on me that could make me regain the enthusiasm I once had.